To the individuals whole stole my bag yesterday:
I’m so glad that you decided to take that pink bag after you broke the window in Madeline’s car yesterday. Really, it was so great of you to take my passport and driver’s license off my hands. I really didn’t like the pictures in either of those documents, and nobody really stamps passports anymore, right?
And those credit cards you took? I’m so glad that you were able to charge about $200 worth of premium gas at three different stations in an hour and a half. Hell, if I had someone else’s credit card, I wouldn’t bother with unleaded either.
I also hope you enjoy my new glasses, Garmin, camera, car keys, and a bright orange shirt that will tell the world that you most definitely did NOT run a race yesterday. I hope you were charged an outrageously exorbitant fee to exchange those Euros I’ve been saving for two years, and I also hope my Starbucks card was denied if you tried to order any quadruple shot cookie crumble Frappucinos on your way to using my Luther ID to get any sort of student discount.
But really, the main point of this letter is to say thank you. My bank accounts were feeling a little too stable, so I’m really glad that you taking my bag allowed me to drain them in order to change my international plane ticket, get new IDs, have my car re-keyed, and for giving me a week of unexpected vacation while my Fulbright program starts without me in Germany. Vielen Dank, for reals.